This week on Lost, Jack gets Sunday-schooled, the Oceanic 6 leave on a jet plane, and Locke gets a new pair of kicks.
Previously on Lost:
Brad + Angelina = Brangelina
Spoon + Fork = Spork
Jack + Tears = JEARS. ;_;
***
So we see Jack’s eyeball and we’re all kind of like, “Wow this feels eerily familiar…”
And you hear these whispers in the jungle and they’re like, “Wtf Jack, you leave, you never call, you never write!?”
But someone is yelling for help! So he runs to this lagoon and Hurley has apparently pulled a reverse Charlie! Even though Charlie claimed he couldn’t swim in Season 1, he managed to swim down to the underwater hatch with no problem! And now Hurley, who had an uplifting cannonball into the ocean last season, can’t seem to swim!!!
So of course Jack has to save him! By jumping off a cliff!
And then he runs to save Kate, who is taking a nap on some rocks!
“Where are we? Did we make it?”
“And why were you about to give me mouth to mouth!?”
***
46 hours earlier…
***
Mrs. Hawking took Benry, Jack, Sun, and Desmond down into the basement of this church, and instead of a gnarly old couch and some shag carpeting, there was this crazy pendulum thingy!
“Welcome to the Lamp Post! This place was built by the Dharma Initiative to help them find Narnia The Island! And now it’s your turn! You’re all going baaaack!”
“But…how?”
“String Theory, jackass!”
“This shit is loco, what do yoo mean you’re going boch!? All ah came here to do was tell yoo Daniel says hi!”
“But the island’s not done with you yet, Desmond.”
“Look into mah crazy eyes, lady! I’m noh goin’ boch, savvy? Tell The Island to go frak itself, yeah?”
And The Island’s like, “But Desmond! We had such wonderful times together!”
And Desmond’s like, “LOOK, ISLAND. AHM JUST NOH THAT INTAH YOO! GET OVAH IT! GO OUT WITH SOMEBODY ELSE!”
*plays Morrissey records while crying into its pillow*
“We are all just pieces in their sick game! Ben, you are the Top Hat! Jack, you are the Thimble! Sun, you are the Convertible! I am obviously the Scottie dog! Sayid is the [flat] Iron! Can’t you see what’s going on here!?”
“That’s enough out of you, young man! Do not pass go! Do not collect $200! If you want to help your friends, you have to be on this Ajearsa Airways plane to Guam tomorrow! You’ve got to get as many people as you can on that plane – the closer you can replicate the original crash, the better!”
“Alright then, crazy lady! We’ll just go ahead and do that! I hope we get a tearful “Leavin’ On a Jet Plane” montage!”
So Mrs. Hawking is like, “Jack by the way, you do know Locke killed himself right?? He left you a suicide note.”
“Is it…dark?”
“Of course it’s dark, it’s a suicide note.”
*sniff* “Why would he kill himself!?”
“Stop blubbering. You know Jack, some people actually experience pain in their lives that isn’t related to ‘My dad pushed me to be a doctor’ and ‘My wife thinks I’m a self absorbed dick.’ That’s why they kill themselves.”
“If you want this to work, you need to give Locke something of your father’s. Something old, something new, something borrowed, or something blue. Or shoes.”
“OKAY GREAT, THANKS. SORRY ABOUT THE YELLING. I CAN’T SEEM TO CONTROL THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE.”
***
*singing softly to himself*
I won’t take no prisoners, won’t spare no lives
Nobody’s putting up a fight
I got my bell, I’m gonna take you to hell
I’m gonna get ya, Satan get ya
Hell’s Bells
Yeah, Hell’s Bel…
“I didn’t take you for the church-going type, Ben.”
“Let me explain something. This is Saint Thomas. He didn’t buy the whole Resurrection thing. He didn’t become a true believer until he poked Jesus himself, and then he was ALL ABOUT the Resurrection…so in conclusion, go stick your finger in Locke.”
And God said let there be Jears. And it was good.
“I’ll catch up with you at the airport. I’m late for a little last-minute homicide I was planning. Toodles!”
Tearing up, Jack decided the only thing he wanted to resurrect for now was his drinking problem!!
So of course he randomly goes to a bar in the middle of the day! But then he gets a call…
Jack: Is it Poppop again?
Person on Phone: The fact that you call it Poppop proves that you’re not ready.
So Jack goes and has a ridiculous exchange with this dude that is supposedly his grandfather even though they’re only like 25 years apart in age lol. I mean, seriously, Lost? Come on. Unless Old Ray Shephard has spent time at Richard Alpert’s Center for Not Aging Ever, this is hard to swallow.
That’s what she said.
Anyway, Jack needs to get something of his father’s to put in Locke’s coffin, and as luck would have it his grandfather just happened to have a pair of Christian’s shoes laying around! Because every father’s got a pair of his dead son’s shoes on him!
And Jack cried about it because one of the shoes stuck its tongue out at him.
And then Ray is all, “THE WRONG SON DIED!”
And so Jack cried a little more ;_;
***
So he goes home and rifles through his cabinets. “Damn. Nothing but pills, purple stuff, and Sunny D. Oh and LIQUOR!”
So he makes himself a drink because he hasn’t had one in 45 minutes, and he hears something in his apartment…
“Is there a carbon monoxide leak in here?”
“Seriously, Kate? A tearful booty call? This isn’t like you. And where is your son that you’ve been bitching about nonstop for the entire last 2 seasons?”
“If you want me to come with you, you will NEVER ASK ME ABOUT AARON EVEN THOUGH I’M HIS ~*MOM*~ AND YOU’RE HIS UNCLE.”
Jack: Only if you make out with me.
Kate: Take me to Pleasure Town.
Jack: Oh, we’re going there.
Kate: I get really turned on by abandoned children.
Jack: Me too, it totally plays into our daddy issues.
So all in all it was a day full of bad decisions for Miss Austen!
***
So they wake up bright eyed and bushy tailed the next morning and Jack’s like, “Good morning, lover. I made you some coffee and some Aaron juic…I mean…orange juice…how do you take it?”
“With vodka. And no talking. And what did I tell you about calling me lover?”
“And hey, hoping those STDs don’t transfer, alright? *sigh* I was just feeling blue about my dead dad’s shoes sitting over there.”
“If those shoes bother you, toss them out! No use keeping something around if it makes you feel bad. That’s why I got rid of Aaron/my ex-husband/my father/etc.”
So Kate leaves and says she’ll meet Jack at the airport, and Jack’s phone rings…
“It appears I’ve been…JAMMED!”
“Jammed?”
“Raspberry! There’s only one man who would dare give me the raspberry! LONE STAR! I’m going to go take care of him, you’ve got to swing by the butcher’s and pick up Locke!”
***
And then Jack and Jill went down a hall to fetch a dead guy’s body.
Jack shed some tears (which we call Jears), and got his cheeks all soggy!
“This has to be violating some kind of health code.”
So he puts his dad’s shoes on Locke, and he’s like, “These last few days have been BANANAS. B-A-N-A-N-A-S! It’s crazier than you were! But I guess you made a believer out of me. I’m going baaaaack.”
“Now I hope these shoes fit…”
And Locke’s like, “lolz I feel just like Cinderella and Jesus all wrapped into one! Jesus-rella! -ella! -ella!”
***
So then Jack goes to the airport with Locke’s body to catch his Ajearsa flight, and this dude in line is like, “Let me offer my condolences, blah blah…”
And Jack/Us are like, “Yeah yeah we get it. See you on The Island, bro.”
And then everyone else started showing up! And we started playing the Proxy Match Game!
Sayid: Hi, I’m Kate I’ve been arrested by a Federal Marshal!
Marshal: Hi, I’m the Marshal and also a woman cop, so I get to be Ana-Lucia too!
Sayid: P.S. Check out this sweet low cut tank top I’m rocking.
And Hurley’s like, “I’m reading a Spanish comic book, so I’m me…but I’m also Charlie because I’ve got a guitar!”
And Sun’s like, “I’m Sayid because I’m on a trip to find my lost love, and I could be Rose since I’m separated from my husband, whose ring I am holding onto!”
And Kate’s like, “I am hoping I’m Shannon and therefore kind of a bitch, but I’m afraid I got knocked up last night, which would make me Claire.”
And Ben’s like, “I ran onto the plane at the last minute like Hurley, but I also most likely killed someone yesterday, so I’m like Sawyer too! And I can’t really use my arm at the moment, so let’s say I’m Locke too.”
And Jack’s like, “I’m…me! Yay!”
So everyone’s on the plane now, and Jack’s like, “What’s going to happen to all those other people on this plane!?”
And Ben’s like, “Who cares!?” and we’re all like sdkf;sd’;flksd HAHAHA BEN NEVER CHANGE.
Then they hear the pilot talking on the intercom and they’re like “LAPENIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!” and we’re all like lol LaPenis was in the COCK pit.
And he starts noticing that the gang’s all there and he’s like, “Uh, we’re not going to Guam, are we? We’re going to The Island?? Why didn’t anyone tell me!?”
“What? You mean you didn’t get my Evite?”
…
“Look Frank, we didn’t invite you because…well, it’s because you look like a clown. A creepy, shaved clown. No hard feelings?”
***
So Jack finally opens Locke’s suicide note after reenacting the “It’s not my fault” scene from Good Will Hunting with Ben, and he’s getting misty…
And the note is like, “Dear Jack, Don’t get on that plane. xoxo Locke.”
lol just yankin’ yer chains.
And Ben’s thinking, If I just sit here and act like I’m reading maybe Jack won’t know it’s my handwriting lol.
And then everything starts to go crazy!! And the “FASTEN SEATBELTS” light comes on! And then the “BE PREPARED, YOU’RE ABOUT TO CRASH ON A CRAZY ASS FUCKED UP ISLAND…ON SECOND THOUGHT, YOUR SEATBELTS ARE PRETTY MUCH A MOOT POINT” light came on! And the plane is shaking around and we’re like OMG HERE IT COMES and we’re waiting for the big crash and then…
The princess blinked her eyes and the spell was broken! SHE WAS BACK ON THE ISLAND!!!!!!
And then Jack saved Hurley by jumping off a cliff totally unecessarily!
And then he’s like “OH NO, NO, NOT MY LOVER!”
“I told you to NEVER CALL ME THAT AGAIN WTF!?”
“But you make me feel so warm and fuz…WHAT IS THAT!?”
AND THE DHARMA VAN IS ALL, “HEY WHAT’S UP I’M NEW AND SHINY!”
AND THEY’RE ALL LIKE “OMG NOBODY MOVE THERE’S A DUDE WITH A…”
“…GUN? Heyyyy! It’s you guys! That is super groovy in a far out way! This is the 70’s by the way, in case you couldn’t tell by my use of 30-year-old slang terminology!”
And we all shared Hurley’s sentiment of :O
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And Locke’s like, “lolz I feel just like Cinderella and Jesus all wrapped into one! Jesus-rella! -ella! -ella!†= EPIC WIN. Oh, god. I think I spent at least five minutes laughing at this one. Great recap, great site!!
OMG the jate parts!
SERIOUSLY!!!! lol
and I could be Rose since I’m separated from my husband, whose ring I am holding onto
OMG I totally forgot about that! Good catch!
Okay, if I didn’t love you enough, the Spaceballs reference really was fantastic. Hee!
Your recaps are just toooo way, and the best thing is that they’re actually accurate :P
How many shots up Evi/Kate’s nose did the producers think we needed, anyway?
“We are all just pieces in their sick game! Ben, you are the Top Hat! Jack, you are the Thimble! Sun, you are the Convertible! I am obviously the Scottie dog! Sayid is the [flat] Iron! Can’t you see what’s going on here!?â€
BRAVO!!!!
And God said let there be Jears. And it was good!!
I am in total agreement.. I am sick of the Jears… Toughen up!!! You are handsome.. but dang.. is really whimping out on me!!
and I second the ‘Spaceball’s’ reference!
again.. you are awesome.
Carla
And Jack cried about it because one of the shoes stuck its tongue out at him. Bwahahahahahahaha! and hells-yeah!
“What? You mean you didn’t get my Evite?â€
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA
Hilarious, as usual. You caught a lot about the plane ride back that I missed…so, you know, thanks for that. :)
And God said let there be Jears. And it was good.
i’ve just jeared in my pants!!!! OMG you rock!!
OMG OMG OMG. When Desmond starts labeling everyone as Monopoly pieces I about died. “Sayid’s the (flat) Iron!” HAHAHAHAHAHAH.
This = SO MUCH WIN.
ALSO: LA PENIS.
“Hurley: I’m reading a Spanish comic book, so I’m me”
but but but…. wasn’t that WAAAAAAAAAAAALT?
Or did Hurley read it too? :o
MONOPOLY AND SPACEBALLS FTW
I laughed out loud so many times that someone who doesn’t watch Lost kept coming over to see what was funny but they didn’t get it. BUT IT WAS AWESOME. Best ever!
It’s so much more freakin hilarious watching this show AFTER reading your recap
“It appears I’ve been…JAMMED!â€
Awesome!
i didn’t even see hurley was reading y the last man. I WONDER WHAT SORT OF SIGNIFICANCE THAT HAS? *furious googling*
HILARIOUS
“And Locke’s like, “lolz I feel just like Cinderella and Jesus all wrapped into one!” Couldn’t stop laughing!
I loved the pictures for the “evite” exchange between Jack and Frank too! All the screencaps were perfect!
this is the first place i have read the Sun/Rose/Sayid connection re: the flight proxies….very cool…..
as usual this is the funniest…and most insightful recap of all….LOLOLOL
The Desmond speak is perfect!!
Seriously, one of your best yet! Never change!
Brilliant as per
Ella-ella-ella eh eh eh
LaPenis in the cockpit!!! Ha ha ha!!! May we never lose our prepubescent sense of humor!!!!
Good Will Hunting “It’s Not Your Fault” Scene – classic! Jack Sucks!!!!
omg, that was awesome!! I will be a weekly reader now!
HAHAHAHAHAHA YES. My parents are looking at me weird because I’m laughing so hard. Congratuwelldone. :D
You are effing hilarious. You have TEH best recaps – and this is coming from a huge Jack/Jate fan but IDK you rip on them in a way that has a ring of truth but is still obviously meant to be funny. Awesome.
BTW Nobody cries as pretty as my Foxy. I’m going to miss jears after 2010.
LOVED the Dewey Cox reference. That was all I could think about in that scene: “The wrong son died!!!”
You rock Ack!!!! props to Desmond: frak the island…. I am obviously the Scottie dog! perfection.
And we started playing the Proxy Match Game! – totally
And then Jack saved Hurley by jumping off a cliff totally unecessarily! I immediately pictured a “flying Jack-A**”, and there it was in your perfect re-cap photo…
After seeing Dharma Jin ie: (Hit-Man) all I could think about was Dharma Sawyer in his onesie Dharma jumpsuit – his job title would have to be (Service-Man) audible sighs mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
thanks for all the fun Ack, you bring LOST to another level of greatness.
LOVE your recaps — I’m passing these along to anyone who would care and to anyone else who MIGHT care (just in case). Love the part about lskd;;fdg;gp BEN NEVER CHANGE!!!
The Monopoly factor was awesome!
And Frank LAPENIS‘ face after Jack says e-vite is priceless xD.
Ackalicious.
Morrissey reference = TOTAL WIN! :P
“If those shoes bother you, toss them out! No use keeping something around if it makes you feel bad. That’s why I got rid of Aaron/my ex-husband/my father/etc
HAHAHAH!
Oh my gosh i can’t express to you how much I wait for your weekly recaps.
Love the Spaceballs reference! Totally awesome!
Fantastic. LAPENIS never, never gets old.
Siiiiigh
not you too, rachel…
Charlie in season 1: “I don’t swim!”
I DON’T swim. Not I CAN’T swim. People miss the point of this all the time. It’s not a writing error, it’s a beautiful example of character growth! It, in a nutshell, illustrates how Charlie came to be from weak, cowardly and somewhat annoying to heroic, brave and not AS annoying!
OMG. I finally caught up on all seasons of Lost a couple of weeks ago – about the same time I came across your recaps (Hello from Shakesville!). And, I just have to say – they’re completely brilliant. OMG.
And? I was _so thrilled_ to find someone who finds Jack and his Jears as annoyingly overwrought as I do. If I knew how to create a fanvid, I would totally do one with Jack crying, Kate crying, all with “Cry Baby” by Janis Joplin in the background.
*singing softly to himself*
I won’t take no prisoners, won’t spare no lives
Nobody’s putting up a fight
I got my bell, I’m gonna take you to hell
I’m gonna get ya, Satan get ya
Hell’s Bells
Yeah, Hell’s Bel…
“I didn’t take you for the church-going type, Ben.â€
lulz.
thanks for doing these btw – they’re becoming the highlight of my week!
And Jack cried about it because one of the shoes stuck its tongue out at him
And the note is like, “Dear Jack, Don’t get on that plane. xoxo Locke.â€
You are freakin brilliant!
“I’m reading a Spanish comic book, so I’m me
Actually, I think that makes him Walt. Walt was reading a Spanish-language comic book about polar bears when a polar bear appeared in Season 1. It went along with him reading about a bird that then crashed into the window when he was living with his mom and stepdad in Australia. And then they never really returned to his psychic book-into-life powers. Kinda like how Aaron is no longer the antichrist child that the psychic seemed to think he’d be. Oh, Lost, you hurt so good.
And upon perusing the comments more thoroughly, I see that someone else has already made my observation. Alas.
And Jack/Us are like, “Yeah yeah we get it. See you on The Island, bro.â€
Zactly. Loving this. Also loving the explanation of Jears this week for Lostbears with little brainz. Totally was funny w/o the explanation, which shows how little brains can be fun. Lol?
And as to the idea of Swayer in a jumpsuit? I say YES NOWPLZ KTHXBYE.
First off, the bit about the Island crying to Morissey records had me LMAO-ing.
I mean, seriously, Lost? Come on. Unless Old Ray Shephard has spent time at Richard Alpert’s Center for Not Aging Ever, this is hard to swallow.
That’s what she said.
xD!!!
The way you assigned the roles for the cast as the people on the plane was just so damned clever, too.
I must now and forever refer to myself as Jesusrella.
That is all.
Hilarious recap! I think that Ray looks old enough to be Jack’s grandfather. If Jack’s like… 32.. and Christian had him when he was 25 so Christian’s 57 (he’s an old-looking 57, but he drinks a lot).. and Ray had Christian when he was 22 because people had kids a lot younger back in the day, Ray would be 79. I know some good-looking 79-year-olds. So I bought that. I was, however, annoyed by Jack calling him “Granddad” in every sentence. Ha!
[…] the net link dump: – Ack Attack’s Lost Recap 5×06. This one made me laugh so hard I scared the cat. – Apropos of nothing, the first picture in this […]
It was actually Hurley reading the spanish-language comic book on the Oceanic plane. Walt was reading it later, but that was on the island after he found it in the wreckage.
@Steph thank you, that is exactly what I was about to reply with! :D
Best Recap EVA! Hilarious.
I agree, this was one of your best recaps so far. You’re awesome!
Love Ack Attack!! Your updates make my day! Lost + The Office are the only tv I bother to watch (oh, and Seinfeld reruns). I guess I better rent “Spaceballs” so I’ll better understand some of your references! My teenager called me over to the computer last night because “reading Ack Attack is a lot more fun together”! Ack Attack scores one for family cohesion!!! Thank you, you are very funny and clever, I’m so glad I stumbled upon your blog!
“OKAY GREAT, THANKS. SORRY ABOUT THE YELLING. I CAN’T SEEM TO CONTROL THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE.â€
LOL Epic Win! That is one of my favorite lines in Austen Powers. And your That’s What She Said was fantabulous!
“The fact that you’re calling it Poppop tells me you’re not ready.”
Haha, Arrested Development reference ftw!
The Monopoly reference. Hahaha.
“And Locke’s like, ‘lolz I feel just like Cinderella and Jesus all wrapped into one! Jesus-rella! -ella! -ella!'”
Hahahahahahahahah. Oh dear.
*plays Morrissey records while crying into its pillow*
I think something inside of me broke from laughing at this recap.
Desmond rejected the island is great, and I loved the Monopoly reference. And Jate’s whole booty call thing is great/ “It really plays into our daddy issues.” XD
Best part of the recap besides all that was the Proxy Match Game. ‘And Kate’s like, “I am hoping I’m Shannon and therefore kind of a bitch, but I’m afraid I got knocked up last night, which would make me Claire.’ It’s so true! XD
Best recap ever!