This week on Lost, Benry goes pyro, Sawyer attempts to be diplomatic, Sayid does what he does best, and Horace takes it to the next level.
Previously on Lost…
Mr. Eko was all like, “I helped my brother once, and it turned me into a Drug Lord/gangster/all around bad guy!”
And Charlie was all like, “I gave in to my brother once, and it turned me into a raging drug addict!”
***
And then Sayid was like, “I helped my brother once, and it turned me into a murdering TORCHURRA!!!!!”
And we were all like, “I get that your father was a ‘hard man’ but isn’t Baby Sayid a little young to be killing things choking the chicken??”
***
So back in ’77, Baby Ben shows up with a chicken salad sandwich, his crazy eyes, and an agenda.
“Did Dick Alpert send you? You know, your leader? Kind of looks like Huck Finn if he used a little guyliner to…accentuate his features?”
“…”
“Well, listen. If you can hold out a while I’ll spring you outta here. Just be patient, see?”
“I’ll play your game, you rogue.”
And even though Little Ben is super cute, he still gets that POOT POOT BRRRUUUMMMP music right before the commercial break, so we know that he’s stil eveel. At least a little.
***
So we’re back in the USSR, and Sayid has reunited with his luger and his flat iron!
Russian Dude: But I thought you were one of the good guys!!!!
Sayid: Good, bad…I’m the guy with the gun.
In Soviet Russia, SAYID STILL PWNS YOU.
So after killing the dude, Sayid goes to meet Benry for a “Who’s the Biggest GQ-Looking Motherfucker” contest.
“I’ll no longer be needing your services. It’s been a pleasure having you in class. Mission accomplished. Keep in touch.”
“Wait a second, that’s it?? Just like that?? We’re done…PROFESSIONALLY?? And wtf are you wearing, did I just wander into Casablanca??”
“Hey, this is classy, is my fedora on straight? At least I’m not tarted up like some sort of German dominatrix. I guess I’m gonna go get a frappaccino or something if you want to come with. Here’s looking at you, kid. Heehee.”
So of course Sayid was like, “Well, now that I’m all done with my two year bloodbath of a killing spree, I think I’m going to go build some schools for poor children. Seems…logical.”
***
So then Horace is like, “Now look, mister. You’ve got to start giving us some answers, pronto.” And he takes out these crazy looking shears and we’re like OH NO THE TORCHURRA IS GONNA GET TORCHA-ED!
But since Horace is all hippie love child and shit, he just cut off his handcuffs!
But then he’s like, “I know I’m a hippie and all, but I’m v. srs about this, okay!? If you don’t start cooperating, I’m going to have to take it to…THE NEXT LEVEL…”
Horace: Look, the next level is hugs and oatmeal cookies! Don’t make me resort to that, Mr. Hostile! And you don’t even want to KNOW about our Dharma Tickle Chamber!
Sayid: Fucking amateur hour.
***
So Juliet’s staring out the window, watching Jack and Kate and kind of looking like the cover art for a Judy Blume novel.
“I never thought they’d come back. It’s all over, isn’t it? Us, playing house, everything? Sayid’s going to tell them everything, isn’t he?”
“Oh baby, don’t worry. We’re fine. Sayid ain’t saying anything. And everything will be cool between us. Until that Kate episode next week.”
*wishes she had freckles and a problem with authority*
So Horace comes running in and he’s all like, “We have a problem with the prisoner. We may have to resort to…THE NEXT LEVEL.”
“Not the Tickle Chamber!”
“I’m afraid so.”
So Sawyer tells Horace to give him one last shot with the “Hostile” and maybe they won’t have to resort to cookies and hugs.
***
“How you doing?”
“A 12-year-old Ben Linus just brought me a chicken salad sandwich. How do you think I’m doing?”
Sawyer: Look dude, just say you defected from the Hostiles and come and join Team Dharmaville! It’s not all that bad! We can get you a position torchurra-ing shrubs and bushes into submission! We’ve actually been looking for a gardener.
Sayid: I wouldn’t touch your bush with my 10-foot pole!
Sawyer: DUDE DO IT, OR ELSE THEY’RE GONNA EQUINIZE YA!
Sayid actually got scared for a second!! “What do you mean?? Equinize?? Does that mean they’ll horsewhip me or something???”
“They’re gonna tie you to a tree and feed you sugar cubes!!”
*pretends to still be scared while secretly imagining himself pwning everyone and Cabbage Patching his way over to Hostile Land*
***
So in what I can only call a “given,” Hurley is now the Dharma Chef!
Hurley: Hello there, children!
Jack & Kate: HEY, CHEF!
“So news around the bug juice cooler is that Sawyer and Juliet are sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G.”
*chokes on waffle*
“You were in that house last night. Were you planning on divulging that little tidbit of info any time soon, darling?”
“Um Kate, listen! I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something…let’s work it out. Lover.”
Aaaand I’ve made a huge mistake.
So of course the Love Paralellogram got a little bit more tilty.
***
So Sayid’s lounging, letting his hairy chesticles breathe…
When that asshole Roger Work Man comes in and tries to get him all riled up!!
“Yo momma so fat she went to the movies and sat next to EVERYone! Yo momma so fat she’s on BOTH sides of the family!!”
But then Baby Benry came into the room with a delicious new sandwich for Sayid, and his dad got all pissy about it!!
Ben: Dad I brought this sandwich for you…
Roger: I SAID I WANTED FUCKING RYE.
Ben: All we had was wheat….
Roger: AND CHOCOLATE PUDDIN’! SWISS MISS IS MY HO.
It was hard to watch! Even Sayid got a little farklempt about it!
***
But then Ben pays a little visit to Pwnmanitarian Worker Sayid in Costa Rica…
Which in no way resembles Hawaii at all…
Sayid: How did you find me?
Benry: I followed the trail of dead girlfriends.
Sayid: What do you want?
Benry: “Someone” murdered Locke! And “he’s” about to “murder” Hurley! You’ve got to “do something” about this!
Sayid: Stop doing those quotey fingers! My answer is no. I am killing nothing but poverty these days.
Ben noticed that Sayid was wearing his Torcha Scrunchie, but he went ahead with his plan anyway. “Well pin a rose on your nose. I guess I had you wrong, Sayid. I thought you LIKED killing people. Not to say that I personally don’t also like killing people. Oh well. It’s your beeswax, not mine. Toodles.”
This made Sayid so angry that he was like, “I’ll show him! I’ll prove to Ben Linus that I’m not a killer…BY KILLING HIM!”
***
Sawyer: This is your last chance, will you just join us?
Sayid: No. But please…don’t taze me, bro.
And then Sayid spontaneously orgasmed and fell to the ground just from talking that close to Sawyer’s face!!!
So they take him out to the jungle where this teepee living mofo walks out and he’s all, “Hi, I’m Larry, this is my brother Darryl, and this is my other brother Darryl. Now tie him up, especially his feet. I don’t need his toes in my sinus cavities, thx.”
Sayid: Who are these Darryls he speaks of? Who is this guy?
Sawyer: He’s our you.
Sayid: *lol episode title*
Sawyer: This is serious business, Sayid! This guy’s about to torture you!
Sayid: So let it be done. This is what I deserve. Karma and all.
And instead of shoving some bamboo shoots under his abnormally long fingernails or chopping off some of his toes, he shoves a sugar cube covered in Veritaserum into his mouth!
“NOOOO!!!!! I’M A DIABETIC!!!!!!!!”
***
“Look, I’m a bounty hunter here to drag you onto a plane to Guam. But you’re rich and hot. So I say we have some of that rich guy Scotch and talk about our ninja moves before moving upstairs to have some hot assassin-on-bounty-hunter relations.”
“Indubitably. Although I should warn you that sex with me has a 100% mortality rate.”
***
So Sayid is high as a kite on this ~*truth serum*~ that Oldham just happened to have laying around in his teepee.
“Yummmm, I can taste colors! There are….there are five different types of chairs in this room….”
“Now, this is gonna hurt me more than it hurts you…”
“Do your worst, you scoundrel!”
“Now tell me – what is your name, son?”
“Hahaha wait, this is your torture?”
“Just tell us what we need to know or else…or else we’ll have to bring you to the TICKLE CHAMBER!!!!”
“LOLOL OH, THIS IS RICH. TORTURE? YOU WANT TO KNOW TORTURE? HEY SAWYER! SAWYERRR!!! TELL THEM ABOUT THE BAMBOO SHOOTS, SAWYER!”
And Sawyer’s like ready to puke and under his breath he’s like *coughOMGSTFUcough*
And then Sayid started channeling Desmond!! “You know what?? DHARMA PEOPLE, YA ALL GONNA DY-EE!!!”
“And how do you know that?”
“Because! I’M FROM THA FEW-CHAH, BROTHAH!!!”
“That’s it. Forget the Tickle Chamber, he’s going straight into the Puppy Cubbyhole.”
*is actually lizzing (half laughing, half wizzing)* “THIS IS THE BEST TORTURE EVER!!!!! *insane laugh* WHY SO SERIOUS, DHARMA GUYS??”
***
“I’m hoping that if I just keep this smile plastered across my face you won’t figure out that I’d just love to tear that lovely hair out of your pretty little head!”
“Bring it on, bitch!!” :D
LOL so remember that episode of The Office when Pam and Karen actually started hanging out, and Jim kept looking over from his desk at them talking and laughing together and he looked like he was about to barf?
This is just like that except way worse because HELLO? TIME TRAVEL AND CHILD ABANDONMENT INVOLVED, PEOPLE! Sawyer does NOT need those two swapping stories, amiright?
***
So then there’s this meeting of the Wizengamot where all the top Dharma guys are deciding whether or not to vote Sayid off The Island. In the most permanent way possible.
And Horace is actually a pretty good guy, he seems fair and thoughtful, and we’re kind of thinking, “You know, this guy ain’t half bad!”
Until we are reminded that he’s actually the father of Mr. Hell Spawn Ethan Rom!! And that these people actually agree to kill Sayid because Amy is all, “My baby isn’t safe around him” and we’re like LOL YOU ARE NOT SAFE AROUND YOUR BABY, LADY.
But anyway, Sawyer falls to peer pressure and votes for Sayid’s execution too. He’ll go help with that, right after he starts smoking because his friends are doing it and then jumping off a bridge with everyone else.
***
And then, you know, since it’s a Sayid episode, we had to see whatever chick he’s with pull a gun on him or whatever.
“I’m cuffing you and taking you to Guam. Although let it be known that I would not be opposed to a quickie in the airport bathroom.”
***
“Look, I don’t know why I couldn’t have just done this from the get go, but let’s say you escaped and I’ll lay here and act unconscious.”
“Nah bro, I’m cool. I’m just gonna hang out here.”
“They all just voted to kill you! WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU?? I don’t think you really want to just sit here and wait to die!”
“Unfortunately for us both, you ah rrrrrong. I know why I came back here. I have a destiny in this realm.”
***
So Sawyer runs over to Kate’s house because HELLO THEY’RE ABOUT TO KILL SAYID.
“Sayid was just talking about his destiny and why he came back – I need to know – WHY did you all come back here?”
“Well, I don’t know why they came back, I just know why I did.”
“And??”
“Well I wanted to…I didn’t realize that you and Jul…I just…I just wanna be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.”
But Sawyer didn’t catch that last part because GOODNESS GRACIOUS, GREAT VANS OF FIRE!!!!!
***
And of course such a brilliant diversion could have only been thought up by one Benjamin “I look exactly like Harry Potter” Linus, who must not have learned “Occulus Reparo” at wizard school yet.
Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker, television
North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe
BENRY STARTED THE FIY-AH!
“I hate it here! I hate my dad!”
“Look, kid. This is Lost. If you didn’t have daddy issues you’d have been killed off a long time ago like all the others. Daddy issues mean job security, so no whimpering, okay?”
“Yes, sir. *sniff* Now if I break you out of here, will you take me to Richard Alpert and his band of Merry Men?”
“Yes, Benjamin. And please, stop crying and being so adorable and emotionally tortured. It’s going to make it much harder to murd…I mean…SAVE YOU if you keep this up.”
***
So AnNOT-Lucia and Sayid are at the airport waiting for their flight to “Guam” when Sayid starts noticing something verrry fishy is going on. Kate, Hurley, Jack, and Sun are all there too!!
Sayid: Who does Number 2 work for???
AnNot-Lucia: I have no idea what you’re talking about!
Sayid: DO YOU WORK FOR BENJAMIN LINUS?? WHO DOES NUMBER 2 WORK FOR??????
“I’m gonna show that turd who’s boss!”
***
So Little Ben is running through the jungle with Sayid, and he’s like “COME ON MISTER, WE HAVE PRECIOUS LITTLE TIME!”
And of course Jin just happens to pull up right then, and Sayid just happens to totally knock him unconscious with one swift karate chop, and he just happens to pick up his gun…and then Mr. “I Don’t Like Killing” went and shot a 12-year-old kid!!!!!!! :O
Although in his defense, he didn’t really seem like he enjoyed it all that much.
But SPOILER ALERT: OBVIOUSLY BEN ISN’T DEAD LOL.
And anyway, he’s just conversing with Dumbledore at King’s Cross station at the moment, right?
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You fucking rock, Ack. XD Favorite bits:
Hurley- So news around the bug juice cooler is that Sawyer and Juliet are sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G.â€
Jack- *chokes on waffle*
–
and
Juliet “*wishes she had freckles and a problem with authority*”
Heh-heh-heh. XD
Your Harry Potter and Judy Blume references are priceless!
Okay. ‘German Dominatrix’ and Jack’s waffle-face pretty much killed me.
Would have been disappointed at lines pulled directly from the show, except that, “A 12-year-old Ben Linus just brought me a chicken salad sandwich. How do you think I’m doing?†is quite possibly the best line ever written by the Dynamic Duo of Kitsis & Horowitz.
Flat ironed Sayid kicking ass and taking names in Prada slip-ons Soviet-style – love it…
Hurley as Chef – brilliant for the South Park reference, but I don’t get why they’d put him in the kitchen when he couldn’t handle the Swan pantry or the food drops – since Hurley wasn’t even born in 1977, does this mean he’s got a healthy relationship with sustenance?
Five chairs in this room – best line from “Knocked Up”. No one’s better than Paul Rudd this week…
“Lizzing” (how lucky we are that this recap was posted after Thurs 30 Rock) and the second best Dwight K. Schrute line ever, next to his retractable penis – “…I just wanna be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.â€
Thanks, Rachel – worth the wait!
Ahahaha, the office references were great, and of course the Harry Potter thing was awesome. One of your best by far!
THIS IS THE BEST TORTURE EVER!!!!!
Bring it on, bitch!!
“Who’s the Biggest GQ-Looking Motherfucker†contest.
AND CHOCOLATE PUDDIN’! SWISS MISS IS MY HO.
now I can get some sleep, great stuff Ack – you bring it to The Next Level!!! always, a fan
LOVE.
highlights:
in soviet russia, sayid still pwns you.
YOU ARE NOT SAFE AROUND YOUR BABY, LADY.
…Benjamin “I look exactly like Harry Potter†Linus, who must not have learned “Occulus Reparo†at wizard school yet.
I love how many lines didn’t have to be changed because they were so perfect already.
Ahh LOST, ilu bb.
And you’re pretty awesome yourself there, Rachel :D
Yeah guys, I didn’t change that chicken salad sandwich line because seriously, I couldn’t have written it better myself!!!
YAY HARRY POTTER!!!!!! my mom was like lol he’s obi wan kenobi! and i’m like NO HE’S HARRY POTTER!!!!
ps i just made the LOLÖL OH THIS IS RICH Sayid bit into a banner.
absolute brillopads.
BENRY STARTED THE FIRE!!!
i’ll miss sayid’s flatiron hair, so beautifuuuuuul
I’M LIZZING!!! I’M LIZZING!!!!
Also, yes, yes, Benry’s at King’s Cross talking to Dumbledore. He will be escorted back by Shannon, Boone, Libby, Ana Lucia and Michael, and will then defeat Widmore with the Philosopher’s Stone and all that other crap that I can’t remember!!
Ack, terrific as usual. The Jack shot made me giggle. And always the Harry Potter…. actually that makes me want to go read some fanfic. :D
lllllllloooooooooovvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeeeeedddddddddddd it
so glad i discovered the new recap after i was done eating for the day. it literally isnt safe for my computer when i am reading your recaps while eating my dinner
OMG. You are the funniest person ever. Really. I love your recaps. They are the best.
Yo, someone needs to tell Dharma about Aguamenti>/i> STAT!
wtf not letting me close tags
I’M LIZZING! I’M LIZZING!
Also, I love you.
HAHAHA
OMG, you have NO IDEA how happy the Harry Potter references made me xD.
Is the tickle chamber at all like Fluffy Fingers?
100% mortality rate! OMG, so true. Still, I’d take my chances…
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! OMG! This was hysterical. I only just finished watching the episode for the first time and then I came straight here. I ADORED all the HP references. They are so fitting … especially the kings cross thing… But let me guess: In the role of Dumbledore we have one “Christian Shepherd” ’cause that creepy dude keeps turning up everywhere.
Fantabulastic! Love the line about Ethan… you rock!
You are just so funny. Wish I could think up the lines you do. Also I love you little comics. You should send a few to Michael Emerson. He’s an artist he would appreciate them.
“I wouldn’t touch your bush with my 10-foot pole!” LOL!
As always SUPER funny!!!
I loved all the HP references :~)
I have been waiting for this since Wed night – Rachel you are AMAZING
Paraloveagram.
Hi, I’m Larry, this is my brother Darryl, and this is my other brother Darryl.
BOB NEWHART REF FTW!
The HP references are amazing!!!!!!!!!
And: Paraloveagram. LOOOL
OMG this recap was AWESOME! I was laughing out loud (LITERALLY) the entire time! Love the references to The Office, Knocked Up, and HP! LOL
Best line:
And then Sayid spontaneously orgasmed and fell to the ground just from talking that close to Sawyer’s face!!!
Seriously, you have NO idea how much I envy your wit:P
Everything was just briliant, I laughed sooooo hard.
*wishes she had freckles and a problem with authority*
LMAOOOOO, I know right?
Sayid: How did you find me?
Benry: I followed the trail of dead girlfriends
this just killed meXD
“Yummmm, I can taste colors! There are….there are five different types of chairs in this room….†LOLZ
“lizzing..” HAHAHAH
Loved the bit about Hawaii too. Awesomeness!
Sayid: How did you find me?
Benry: I followed the trail of dead girlfriends.
AND
“I should warn you that sex with me has a 100% mortality rate.â€
a-maze-ing. That’s Sayid’s constant. Though he/we can’t ever quite settle on anything else about him (I’m a torchaa; I don’t do that anymore; I don’t enjoy killing; I’m a killer), it will always be true that Sayid is a lady-killer.
office references and an old school newhart reference! FTW!
“Looking like the cover of a Judy Blume novel” almost made me fall off my chair. Because I’m old enough to have read EVERY Judy Blume novel a good number of years ago.
You are a goddess. This is my new favorite site!!!!
i lizzed while reading that. Benry Potter is Ridiculoso
Fantastic range of references. Newhart, Harry Potter, The Office, Jerry Lee Lewis, The Dark Knight…
I’m impressed. Keep it up! You help us through the week’s withdrawal!
And if the Puppy Cubbyhole doesn’t work – my god – it can only be THE COMFY CHAIR!!!!
Veritaserum….OMG!!!!!
“You know what?? DHARMA PEOPLE, YA ALL GONNA DY-EE!!! .channelling Desmond!!!!! awesome!!
The Harry Potter references.. were dead on!!
As usual.. you are awesome.. and had me in stitches!!!
Poor Benry, always avoiding flying foodstuffs. I guess 1977 was too early for a Hot Pocket…I’m impressed he didn’t have a total FLASHBACK when that happened. LOL your time travel.
Thanks a zillion for these insanely funny recaps. Off to re-read Judy Blume and Harry Potter!
Amy is all, “My baby isn’t safe around him†and we’re like LOL YOU ARE NOT SAFE AROUND YOUR BABY, LADY.
lol!!! as usual, you kill me. i now watch this show trying to think of stuff to be in this recap. and i never come up with anything good enough.
And then Sayid spontaneously orgasmed and fell to the ground just from talking that close to Sawyer’s face!!!
“Yummmm, I can taste colors! There are….there are five different types of chairs in this room….â€
“That’s it. Forget the Tickle Chamber, he’s going straight into the Puppy Cubbyhole.â€
“I just…I just wanna be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.â€
—
XD Hahaha Ack I heart you.
And instead of shoving some bamboo shoots under his abnormally long fingernails or chopping off some of his toes, he shoves a sugar cube covered in Veritaserum into his mouth!
“NOOOO!!!!! I’M A DIABETIC!!!!!!!!â€
LOLLLL! I was laughing ridiculously hard + I think this is the funniest thing I’ve read here… and that is saying A LOT. :D
Why wasn’t this show around sixteen years ago? It would have been much easier to convince my parents that a brother was a terrible idea.
OK… the “puppy cubbyhole” was enough to get me to hold my head in my hands and laugh until I cried.
Also – did no one else think of Princess Leia in Return of Jedi (when she’s in disguise and goes to rescue Han Solo from Jabba the Hut) when Benry is all sneaking into the prison block to rescue Sayid? I know everyone likens him to Harry Potter, but I thought first of Leia….
Brilliant, as always. Thank you for the laugh.
Rachel, your recaps are hilarious!
My wife, who is not a Lost fan (though she does seem to watch the Sayid episodes…hmm…) had a great comment after Sayid shot young Benry: “That’s the first thing anyone has done on this show that makes any sense.”
And my favorite –
Army of Darkness made my day . . .
Yay for Harry Potter references. & who does Number 2 work for…?
XD
“Well pin a rose on your nose” – is that a Full House reference? I know my sister says that all the time to annoy me and she loves Full House, so that makes me think that it is.
Sayid: Stop doing those quotey fingers! My answer is no. I am killing nothing but poverty these days.
So Sayid’s lounging, letting his hairy chesticles breathe…
“LOLOL OH, THIS IS RICH. TORTURE? YOU WANT TO KNOW TORTURE? HEY SAWYER! SAWYERRR!!! TELL THEM ABOUT THE BAMBOO SHOOTS, SAWYER!â€
And Sawyer’s like ready to puke and under his breath he’s like *coughOMGSTFUcough*
“I’m hoping that if I just keep this smile plastered across my face you won’t figure out that I’d just love to tear that lovely hair out of your pretty little head!â€
You kill me. Too ferklumptin funny. gjfdkslfdjkdsl!
[…] Σε αντίθεση με Ï€ÏοηγοÏμενες παÏόμοιες σκηνÎÏ‚ (Eko- Îκανα λάθος, Locke- ευτυχώς είχα δίκιο), είμαι απόλυτα σίγουÏος ότι ο Ben δεν Ï€Ïόκειται να πεθάνει. Το καλÏτεÏο σχόλιο πάνω σε αυτό: “And anyway, he’s just conversing… […]
Maybe it’s just all Greek to him up^ there! Harhar!