This week on Lost, Jack gets Sunday-schooled, the Oceanic 6 leave on a jet plane, and Locke gets a new pair of kicks.
Previously on Lost:
Brad + Angelina = Brangelina
Spoon + Fork = Spork
Jack + Tears = JEARS. ;_;
***
So we see Jack’s eyeball and we’re all kind of like, “Wow this feels eerily familiar…”
And you hear these whispers in the jungle and they’re like, “Wtf Jack, you leave, you never call, you never write!?”
But someone is yelling for help! So he runs to this lagoon and Hurley has apparently pulled a reverse Charlie! Even though Charlie claimed he couldn’t swim in Season 1, he managed to swim down to the underwater hatch with no problem! And now Hurley, who had an uplifting cannonball into the ocean last season, can’t seem to swim!!!
So of course Jack has to save him! By jumping off a cliff!
And then he runs to save Kate, who is taking a nap on some rocks!
“Where are we? Did we make it?”
“And why were you about to give me mouth to mouth!?”
***
46 hours earlier…
***
Mrs. Hawking took Benry, Jack, Sun, and Desmond down into the basement of this church, and instead of a gnarly old couch and some shag carpeting, there was this crazy pendulum thingy!
“Welcome to the Lamp Post! This place was built by the Dharma Initiative to help them find Narnia The Island! And now it’s your turn! You’re all going baaaack!”
“But…how?”
“String Theory, jackass!”
“This shit is loco, what do yoo mean you’re going boch!? All ah came here to do was tell yoo Daniel says hi!”
“But the island’s not done with you yet, Desmond.”
“Look into mah crazy eyes, lady! I’m noh goin’ boch, savvy? Tell The Island to go frak itself, yeah?”
And The Island’s like, “But Desmond! We had such wonderful times together!”
And Desmond’s like, “LOOK, ISLAND. AHM JUST NOH THAT INTAH YOO! GET OVAH IT! GO OUT WITH SOMEBODY ELSE!”
*plays Morrissey records while crying into its pillow*
“We are all just pieces in their sick game! Ben, you are the Top Hat! Jack, you are the Thimble! Sun, you are the Convertible! I am obviously the Scottie dog! Sayid is the [flat] Iron! Can’t you see what’s going on here!?”
“That’s enough out of you, young man! Do not pass go! Do not collect $200! If you want to help your friends, you have to be on this Ajearsa Airways plane to Guam tomorrow! You’ve got to get as many people as you can on that plane – the closer you can replicate the original crash, the better!”
“Alright then, crazy lady! We’ll just go ahead and do that! I hope we get a tearful “Leavin’ On a Jet Plane” montage!”
So Mrs. Hawking is like, “Jack by the way, you do know Locke killed himself right?? He left you a suicide note.”
“Is it…dark?”
“Of course it’s dark, it’s a suicide note.”
*sniff* “Why would he kill himself!?”
“Stop blubbering. You know Jack, some people actually experience pain in their lives that isn’t related to ‘My dad pushed me to be a doctor’ and ‘My wife thinks I’m a self absorbed dick.’ That’s why they kill themselves.”
“If you want this to work, you need to give Locke something of your father’s. Something old, something new, something borrowed, or something blue. Or shoes.”
“OKAY GREAT, THANKS. SORRY ABOUT THE YELLING. I CAN’T SEEM TO CONTROL THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE.”
***
*singing softly to himself*
I won’t take no prisoners, won’t spare no lives
Nobody’s putting up a fight
I got my bell, I’m gonna take you to hell
I’m gonna get ya, Satan get ya
Hell’s Bells
Yeah, Hell’s Bel…
“I didn’t take you for the church-going type, Ben.”
“Let me explain something. This is Saint Thomas. He didn’t buy the whole Resurrection thing. He didn’t become a true believer until he poked Jesus himself, and then he was ALL ABOUT the Resurrection…so in conclusion, go stick your finger in Locke.”
And God said let there be Jears. And it was good.
“I’ll catch up with you at the airport. I’m late for a little last-minute homicide I was planning. Toodles!”
Tearing up, Jack decided the only thing he wanted to resurrect for now was his drinking problem!!
So of course he randomly goes to a bar in the middle of the day! But then he gets a call…
Jack: Is it Poppop again?
Person on Phone: The fact that you call it Poppop proves that you’re not ready.
So Jack goes and has a ridiculous exchange with this dude that is supposedly his grandfather even though they’re only like 25 years apart in age lol. I mean, seriously, Lost? Come on. Unless Old Ray Shephard has spent time at Richard Alpert’s Center for Not Aging Ever, this is hard to swallow.
That’s what she said.
Anyway, Jack needs to get something of his father’s to put in Locke’s coffin, and as luck would have it his grandfather just happened to have a pair of Christian’s shoes laying around! Because every father’s got a pair of his dead son’s shoes on him!
And Jack cried about it because one of the shoes stuck its tongue out at him.
And then Ray is all, “THE WRONG SON DIED!”
And so Jack cried a little more ;_;
***
So he goes home and rifles through his cabinets. “Damn. Nothing but pills, purple stuff, and Sunny D. Oh and LIQUOR!”
So he makes himself a drink because he hasn’t had one in 45 minutes, and he hears something in his apartment…
“Is there a carbon monoxide leak in here?”
“Seriously, Kate? A tearful booty call? This isn’t like you. And where is your son that you’ve been bitching about nonstop for the entire last 2 seasons?”
“If you want me to come with you, you will NEVER ASK ME ABOUT AARON EVEN THOUGH I’M HIS ~*MOM*~ AND YOU’RE HIS UNCLE.”
Jack: Only if you make out with me.
Kate: Take me to Pleasure Town.
Jack: Oh, we’re going there.
Kate: I get really turned on by abandoned children.
Jack: Me too, it totally plays into our daddy issues.
So all in all it was a day full of bad decisions for Miss Austen!
***
So they wake up bright eyed and bushy tailed the next morning and Jack’s like, “Good morning, lover. I made you some coffee and some Aaron juic…I mean…orange juice…how do you take it?”
“With vodka. And no talking. And what did I tell you about calling me lover?”
“And hey, hoping those STDs don’t transfer, alright? *sigh* I was just feeling blue about my dead dad’s shoes sitting over there.”
“If those shoes bother you, toss them out! No use keeping something around if it makes you feel bad. That’s why I got rid of Aaron/my ex-husband/my father/etc.”
So Kate leaves and says she’ll meet Jack at the airport, and Jack’s phone rings…
“It appears I’ve been…JAMMED!”
“Jammed?”
“Raspberry! There’s only one man who would dare give me the raspberry! LONE STAR! I’m going to go take care of him, you’ve got to swing by the butcher’s and pick up Locke!”
***
And then Jack and Jill went down a hall to fetch a dead guy’s body.
Jack shed some tears (which we call Jears), and got his cheeks all soggy!
“This has to be violating some kind of health code.”
So he puts his dad’s shoes on Locke, and he’s like, “These last few days have been BANANAS. B-A-N-A-N-A-S! It’s crazier than you were! But I guess you made a believer out of me. I’m going baaaaack.”
“Now I hope these shoes fit…”
And Locke’s like, “lolz I feel just like Cinderella and Jesus all wrapped into one! Jesus-rella! -ella! -ella!”
***
So then Jack goes to the airport with Locke’s body to catch his Ajearsa flight, and this dude in line is like, “Let me offer my condolences, blah blah…”
And Jack/Us are like, “Yeah yeah we get it. See you on The Island, bro.”
And then everyone else started showing up! And we started playing the Proxy Match Game!
Sayid: Hi, I’m Kate I’ve been arrested by a Federal Marshal!
Marshal: Hi, I’m the Marshal and also a woman cop, so I get to be Ana-Lucia too!
Sayid: P.S. Check out this sweet low cut tank top I’m rocking.
And Hurley’s like, “I’m reading a Spanish comic book, so I’m me…but I’m also Charlie because I’ve got a guitar!”
And Sun’s like, “I’m Sayid because I’m on a trip to find my lost love, and I could be Rose since I’m separated from my husband, whose ring I am holding onto!”
And Kate’s like, “I am hoping I’m Shannon and therefore kind of a bitch, but I’m afraid I got knocked up last night, which would make me Claire.”
And Ben’s like, “I ran onto the plane at the last minute like Hurley, but I also most likely killed someone yesterday, so I’m like Sawyer too! And I can’t really use my arm at the moment, so let’s say I’m Locke too.”
And Jack’s like, “I’m…me! Yay!”
So everyone’s on the plane now, and Jack’s like, “What’s going to happen to all those other people on this plane!?”
And Ben’s like, “Who cares!?” and we’re all like sdkf;sd’;flksd HAHAHA BEN NEVER CHANGE.
Then they hear the pilot talking on the intercom and they’re like “LAPENIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!” and we’re all like lol LaPenis was in the COCK pit.
And he starts noticing that the gang’s all there and he’s like, “Uh, we’re not going to Guam, are we? We’re going to The Island?? Why didn’t anyone tell me!?”
“What? You mean you didn’t get my Evite?”
…
“Look Frank, we didn’t invite you because…well, it’s because you look like a clown. A creepy, shaved clown. No hard feelings?”
***
So Jack finally opens Locke’s suicide note after reenacting the “It’s not my fault” scene from Good Will Hunting with Ben, and he’s getting misty…
And the note is like, “Dear Jack, Don’t get on that plane. xoxo Locke.”
lol just yankin’ yer chains.
And Ben’s thinking, If I just sit here and act like I’m reading maybe Jack won’t know it’s my handwriting lol.
And then everything starts to go crazy!! And the “FASTEN SEATBELTS” light comes on! And then the “BE PREPARED, YOU’RE ABOUT TO CRASH ON A CRAZY ASS FUCKED UP ISLAND…ON SECOND THOUGHT, YOUR SEATBELTS ARE PRETTY MUCH A MOOT POINT” light came on! And the plane is shaking around and we’re like OMG HERE IT COMES and we’re waiting for the big crash and then…
The princess blinked her eyes and the spell was broken! SHE WAS BACK ON THE ISLAND!!!!!!
And then Jack saved Hurley by jumping off a cliff totally unecessarily!
And then he’s like “OH NO, NO, NOT MY LOVER!”
“I told you to NEVER CALL ME THAT AGAIN WTF!?”
“But you make me feel so warm and fuz…WHAT IS THAT!?”
AND THE DHARMA VAN IS ALL, “HEY WHAT’S UP I’M NEW AND SHINY!”
AND THEY’RE ALL LIKE “OMG NOBODY MOVE THERE’S A DUDE WITH A…”
“…GUN? Heyyyy! It’s you guys! That is super groovy in a far out way! This is the 70’s by the way, in case you couldn’t tell by my use of 30-year-old slang terminology!”
And we all shared Hurley’s sentiment of :O
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“We are all just pieces in their sick game! Ben, you are the Top Hat! Jack, you are the Thimble! Sun, you are the Convertible! I am obviously the Scottie dog! Sayid is the [flat] Iron! Can’t you see what’s going on here!?â€
I amost died laughing at this part!!
AND THE DHARMA VAN IS ALL, “HEY WHAT’S UP I’M NEW AND SHINY!â€
HAHAHAHA I LOVE THIS WEBSITE!