Will break your dial-up.
“Okay, guys. Let’s practice our story one last time, mmkay?”
*ahem* “In West Philadelphia, born and raised…”
“On a playground is where I spent most of my days…”
“Chillin’ out, maxin, relaxin, all cool…”
“…and shooting some b-ball outside of the school?”
Okay so then everyone got off the plane!!! And all the parents were like a;dsljf;sdlkjfsldk and we were all like ;alksjfal;kjsdlkfjs
And it made US so happy to see THEM so happy!!!
And Jack and his mom were SO happy that they started making out!
***
Now back in the jungle, Jack’s like, “I HAVE TO GO SAVE EVERYONE! EVERYONE! ALL THE TIME! I AM A NONSTOP SAVING PEOPLE MACHINE! ALL WILL LOVE ME AND DESPAIR!”
“Hey asshole? I just had my hands in your guts like 24 hours ago, why don’t you sit down and let someone else do the saving for like 3 seconds?”
“NEVAR!”
“You know what? Just…DIAF.”
***
The next day Kate’s like, “Uhhh…Jack? Your…insides….are on your…outsides…”
“Oh, right, I’m just uh…seeping. No worries. Let’s go save some babies from burning buildings and shit!”
And then Sawyer showed up and he was like “I just saved this baby from a shower of gunfire!”
“WTF!?”
“Srsly, I rescued the kid while being shot at, right after I pulled his mother from a burning building!” and all the female viewers were like ;laksjdf;lkasjd;lkfsd OMFG
“Dammit Sawyer, why are always UPSTAGING ME!? I AM THE HERO, HERE!” and then the hero comes aloooong, with the strength to carry oonnnnn…
“Zip it, Pavoratti! It’s time for some thrilling heroics!”
***
“So as you can see, *points* this is clearly when they yelled to the cabby Yo, homes smell you later.”
“Miss Austen, How do you explain the sudden, dramatic physical change Aunt Viv underwent?”
“…no comment.”
“And what about DJ Jazzy Jeff?! Why did he never earn that respect he was always striving for?”
“You leave Jazzy out of this.”
So anyway after this press conference in which all this TRUTHINESS was flying around, Nadia was all HI OMG and Sayid was all HI OMG and it was super cute, albeit it totally awkward, although kind of sad because we know she’s like…ya know. DEAD. ;_;
***
Meanwhile on the island, Action Sayid is letting the wind whip through his hair and somehow making that little crappy dinghy he’s in seem hot.
“Mmm, yes, season finale. Must mean I’m here to save everyone. As usual.”
“But Jack just ran into the jungle to save everyone!”
“Look, Juliet. You seem like a nice woman. But as you are a new kid on the block, let me just explain: Every finale, we let Jack think he’s off saving everyone, but while he goes off and fraks everything up, I actually come in and get it done. Big Time.”
***
Meanwhile Ben is all *flaily Muppet hands/flashy mirror*
“Dude, what are you doing?”
“I think he just told Richard to steal second base.”
***
Back in THA FEW-CHAH, Sun’s all “Papa, DON’T PREACH.”
And her dad is all “THIS IS MY SURPRISED FACE. I KNOW IT RESEMBLES MY HAPPY/SAD/ANGRY/SYMPATHETIC/ETC. FACE, BUT BELIEVE YOU ME, I AM SHOCKED BY THESE RECENT DEVELOPMENTS.” :O
“What do you mean, I have to respect you now!?”
“Did I STUTTER!?”
***
And then Hurley had a birthday party! And Jesus was there!
And Sayid auditioned to be a Sears Catalog model!
And then Cheech gave Hurley that old car and the numbers are all LOLOL REMEMBER US!? WE WILL HAUNT YOUR DREAMS, BITCHES!
***
Meanwhile on Sayid’s Sex Dinghy, Jin’s like, “Elephant shoes.”
And Sun’s way into it.
***
And back on the island Jack And Sawyer run into La Penis by the choppa, and Sawyer’s like, “Wot’s all this then? And who the hell are you?”
And La Penis is like, “I’m the Dude. So that’s what you call me. That or His Dudeness… Duder… or El Duderino, if, you know, you’re not into the whole brevity thing…”
***
“I know we’re here today to talk about my dear old dad…”
“…but honestly, he was a self-involved asshole with substance abuse problems, so we might as well be talking about me.”
*45 minutes of Jack whining about how much his father ruined his life*
“…so, to conclude, no. It’s not possible for me to stick my head any further up my own ass. Amen.”
After the “memorial” this blond chick comes up to Jack and she’s like, “You were Claire’s brothah…from anothah mothah…”
“I am Jack’s complete lack of surprise.”
***
Then on the freighter, Desmond’s all, “TROLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IN THE DUNGEON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” except it wasn’t a troll, it was a buttload of explosives!
***
And then in the jungle Sayid runs into Richard and he’s like “GIVE ME ONE REASON NOT TO KILL YOU RIGHT NOW!”
And Richard’s like, “I’ve…got…POMADE!!!”
“..fair enough!” *hands over gun*
***
And then Keamy swings by and he’s all “Bullet in the brainpan! SQUISH!”
***
So when we last left Jack and Kate on that runway Jack was all “we have to go back” and Kate was all “nope” and then she gets in her car and drives away…but as we soon find out, Kate did not go gentle into that good night.
She came back to RAGE, RAGE AGAINST THE DYING OF THE LIGHT! [/book nerd reference]
Jack’s standing there with his Beardwig and he’s like, “…you look like a Dementor when you do that.”
*SUCKS OUT SOUL*
“Uh…you’re freaking me out.”
“If you think I’m gonna suffer any of your shit with a smile now that we’re broken up, you’re in for some serious fucking disappointment.”
“I am Jack’s inflamed sense of rejection.”
***
On the freighter Desmond and his posse are checking out this GIANT BOMB and he’s like “OCH BROTHAH…uhhhh…WHO’S DA BOOM KING?!”
“I’m da boom king.”
“Shak-a-lak-a-lak-a.”
And Indy’s like…
***
“Hey Jack, let’s have that fight we always have!”
“Fighting isn’t logical! Science! Logic! Blah!”
“Yay!”
***
“Hey Keamy…how’s that buttfor workin’ out for you?”
“What’s a buttfor?”
“…for pooping, silly.”
So then Keamy’s all “WATCHA GONNA DO WHEN HULKAMANIA DESTROYS YOU, BROTHER!?” and Sayid’s like, “WARNING: ASSHOLES ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR! NOW SUFFER MY WRATH.”
And while no one’s neck was broken via FEET, it was pretty effing badass.
Richard shot Keamy, and then he was dead.
But dead in a Patchy way, not in a Boone way. If you know what I mean.
***
And then Taller Ghost Walt goes and visits Hurley in the looney bin, and he’s like, “You’re lying to protect people like my dad, right? Because he’s okay, right?? He didn’t like…blow up in a boat or anything, RIGHT!?”
And Hurley’s just like, “…yeahhhh.”
***
Meanwhile, the Great Debate rages on…
“Fine then, go!”
“I’m gone!”
“Go then!”
“But I am!”
“Go!”
“I’m gone!”
“Go then!”
“I am!”
“…lol fine then, but you’re gonna be sorrrryyyyy.” *evil laugh*
“If you two are done verbally copulating I’d like to get my ass down into the Orchid. Thanks.”
“Psh…I wasn’t…you were the one…psh…”
***
Meanwhile on the freighter…
“Oh, Mye-tool! I’ve got a bun in the oven!”
“I got to smile once this season! Awesome!”
***
“Get your hands off my nuts.”
“But they are salty and oh so delicious!”
***
Meanwhile, in the Orchid…
“Now, remember what the doormouse said. Feed your head. Feed your heeead.”
And Locke’s like, “Did I take a shitload of acid and then forget about it? I must be tripping my balls off!”
Ben: It’s alll happening.
Locke: Your aura! It’s purple!
***
And then everyone finally got off the island!!!! ;lkzsjdf;lkasjdfklds
***
And then Ben stabbed Keamy in the neck with a pen, ala Felix Gaeta!!!
And Locke was like, “I think you might regret that….”
But Ben, whose face looked like a combination butcher shop floor/Jackson Pollack painting, was like, “Do I look like a motherfuckin’ role model? To a kid lookin’ up to me, life ain’t nothin’ but bitches and money.”
***
So then back on the choppa Jack is all “I WILL SAVE THESE PEOPLE, GOD DAMMIT! I AM THE HERO! I AM THE LEADER! I AM…”
And Hurley’s like, “UH, GUYS? WE’VE GOT A GAS PROBLEM, AND IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THOSE DHARMA BURRITOS I ATE LAST NIGHT.”
So then Sawyer whispers some sweet nothings into Kate’s ear…
And kisses her the way every girl hopes to be kissed at least ONCE in her freaking life…(I’m currently taking applications for big damn heroes, just FYI)
And he SMILES at her, all Han Sawyer and shit, and Kate’s all, “I love you” and he’s all, “I KNOW.”
…aaaaand jumps out of the choppa, and he’s all ‘I REGRET NOTHIIIIIIIIIIIING!” *comedic splashy noise, followed by a WAH WAH WAHHHHHH*
“…I WILL SAVE THESE PEOPLE, IF IT’S THE LAST THING I…DAMMIT SAWYER! ALWAYS WITH THE STEALING OF THE THUNDER! GUH!”
***
So back in LA, Sayid has apparently been reunited with Nadia AND his flat iron. He goes to visit Hurley in the Cuckoo’s Nest.
But Hurley’s too busy playing chess with the ghosts of African drug lords to really care.
***
So La Penis is trying to land the choppa on the freighter, but now Desmond knows that bomb’s about to explode at any moment…
“AHHHH DOOOO NAWWWT WAAAAANT, BROTHAH!!!! STEHHHH AWEHHHH!” BUT THEY LAND ANYWAY!!!
And’s Jin’s all “ME HELP?” and Michael’s like, “DUDE NO, YOU’RE A DADDY NOW! DON’T BE A TOTALLY SHIT FATHER LIKE I WAS!”
So Jin like RUNS OUT ONTO THE FREIGHTER AND HE’S GOING “MY DARLING! MY DARLING!” AND WE’RE ALL HAVING LIKE HEART ATTACKS AND SUN WAS LIKE “JIN OMG” AND JACK WAS ALL, “NO HOP-ONS!!!”
AND US/SUN WERE LIKE :O
AND THEN CHRISTIAN SHOWS UP AND HE’S LIKE *channels Donald Trump* “YOU’RE FIRED!”
AND MICHAEL’S LIKE, “WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALT…oh…wait…WOT!??”
“Nope, not Walt. I’m just an ILLUSION, MICHAEL!”
And then the boat exploded
It broke our hearts into many Jin-shaped pieces ;______;
***
So then Future!Sun goes to Future!Widmore and she’s like, “My newly attained balls of steel, let me show u them.”
***
And then…we all had an orgasm.
Ahem.
When Sawyer got to the shore and Juliet told him the boat done blew up, they asked themselves, “WWDD?” (What Would Desmond Do?) and took turns hitting the sauce, whilst sitting on the beach in blue shirts.
***
So then Ben’s like, “Ciao, babeh. With great power comes great responsibility. Sorry I made your life suck. Linus out.”
And then…well, and then he climbed down into a frozen cellar-type thingy and turned a huge fucking wheel and and he was like, “NOOOOOBODY KNOWS THE TROUBLES I’VE SEEN….NOOOOBODY KNOOOOWS BUT JESUUUUUSSSS…”
And then the island? IT DISAPPEARED. JUST LIKE THAT.
***
And then Jack was lucky enough to give Desmond mouth to mouth, which earned him some points.
Because Desmond’s TOO PRETTY TAH DAH-YEE, BROTHAH!!!
***
So then Future!Kate gets this phone call in the middle of the night, and it’s some guy going PAUL IS DEAD ;SDKLF;ALDSK; or something…
And then Claire is like, “MAH BABEH!!!!!!!!! DON’T BRING HIM BACK OMG!!!!!!”
***
So that’s when Jack came up with this cockamamie story about Uncle Phil and Carlton because he thinks he’s helping the people still on the island…but then all of the sudden they see this boat!!!!!!
AND OMFG IT’S PENNEH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! S;LDFK’;LADKSF’;LAKDS’F;LAK;SDL
AND DESMOND AND PENNEH ARE REUNITED!!!!!! Z’;LDFK;ALKDSFL;S
AND OMG IT WAS PERFECTION AND WE ALL GOT ALL FARKLEMPT!!! ;ZSKDJF;KLSD
So then the next morning Jack and Co. are ready to go get un-Lost, and before they go, Jack’s like, “See you in another life, brother!”
And Desmond’s like, “Riiiiight….we’ll leave the sexy taglines to me, alright? AH’VE GOT MAH HONAH BOCH! BYE, DOC!”
And with that, the Oceanic 6 went and got found by a bunch of fisherman, and it was sad and slow and montagey.
***
Then finally we get back to the Hot Mess…who promptly breaks into this funeral home after rocking out to some Pixies LOLOL.
And Benry, who kind of looks like a vampire, is all like, “Hey there, Scorsese on coke. Watcha doin?”
“I am Jack’s wasted life ;___________________;”
And then after waiting a whole YEAR, we finally see the dude in the coffin and OMFG IT’S LOCKE!!!! ;ZLKSDFKASD’;LFK’S;DLFLS
“Other than the fact that your face looks like a vagina…I think I can help you. But that means you have to join MY SIDE. MWA HA HAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!” *cough*
And Jack’s just like, “…Congratulations, Universe. You win.” ;_;
THE END!!!!!! WOOOOO!!!!
** BEFORE ANYONE HAS TO ASK: “;alskjdf;kljsdl;kfajsdk” doesn’t MEAN ANYTHING. It’s just me smashing on my keyboard. It means I’m excited. Try it sometime. It’s fun.
You can find all my Lost Recaps HERE.
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I think this might be the best recap of the entire season. :)
do not go gently into that good night! :D
Fresh Prince references FTW.
Awesome as always. Oh I think the part with Desmond and Jack and sexy taglines was my fave…but it’s always so hard to choose! :)
(bigcitygirl06)
DUUUUUDEEEE I LOVED IT SOO MUCHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!THANKYOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OMG!!! akljaklfjalkfjalfja. I was reading this while my Juniors were taking a final….. and when i got to the Kate/Dementor part I just abotu DIED. Do you know how hard it is to laugh while not making any sound???!!!
There are too many good things about this post for me to list. But seriously, this is one of my favorite things on the internet. Nice job.
I lol’ed over and over and over. XD AWEEESOMMEEE.
*dementor!Kate* *DIES*
Thankyouthankyouthankyouuuuu!!!!!!
YOU IZ AWESOME1!!11
best recap thus far. Thanks
“Miss Austen, How do you explain the sudden, dramatic physical change Aunt Viv underwent?â€
If Lost actually answered this question, HOW AWESOME WOULD THAT BE?
Also, you’re amazing and your recaps are GOLD. Thank you SOOOO MUCH!
“I am Jack’s wasted life ;___________________;â€
LMFAO. BRILLIANT RECAP.
ok…
mallrats + fightclub + the fresh prince makes my life
you have the BEST references ever :)
OH MAN. I LMAOO as usual.
you are the best best best.
Awesome as ever. I loved Sayid the Sears Model and WWDD…among tons of other things :)
Thanks Rachel!
gah! no dan??? but he was so FTW in this episode! but other than that, “ROFLOL!!!!!”
Fresh Prince, trolls and dementors, Dylan Thomas, Mariah Carey… awesome recap, thanks for the laughs :D
Ahahaha. As awesome as usual :D Ahahahaha.
FUCK YEAH!
<3’ed the Fight Club quotes.
I am Jack’s wasted life.
I am Jack’s inflamed sense of rejection.
I am Jack’s broken heart.
Looooved it. Also, “** BEFORE ANYONE HAS TO ASK: “;alskjdf;kljsdl;kfajsdk†doesn’t MEAN ANYTHING. It’s just me smashing on my keyboard. It means I’m excited. Try it sometime. It’s fun.” My Mom asked me that the first time I read it. I’m like.. it just means.. excitement. Smash smash. I gotcha. Hehe. Now I don’t just have to wati for Lost to return, but also recaps!! :( It’s been fun!
the fresh prince refrences were too perfect. Especially when the pegasis lady brought back. Huzzah!
OMG that was hilarious LOL!
so when Ben stabbed keamy…and they found out about the bomb thing…why didnt they just remove the thing and put it on themselves since their hearts were still working…lol the whole bomb thing could have avoided i think…but i guess something had to be blown up…
You just know Sayid and Nadia’s reunion went something like
Sayid: Oh, Nadia.
Nadia: Sayid, I…I’ve kept something for you this whole time.
Sayid: *looks sexy*
Nadia: You’re flattening iron held your place in my
bedheart.Sayid: You do love me.
Nadia + Sayid: *hook up*
Between pomade, The Dude and Jack’s face for “Oh, right, I’m just uh…seeping. No worries. Let’s go save some babies from burning buildings and shit!†I really do think I laughed my ass off.
“I HAVE TO GO SAVE EVERYONE! EVERYONE! ALL THE TIME! I AM A NONSTOP SAVING PEOPLE MACHINE! ALL WILL LOVE ME AND DESPAIR!â€
so awesome I forgive you for comparing Jack to mighty Galadriel
Every finale, we let Jack think he’s off saving everyone, but while he goes off and fraks everything up, I actually come in and get it done. Big Time.â€
SO TRUE
“Did I STUTTER!?â€
ooh
“I’ve…got…POMADE!!!â€
just what Sayid needs, too
OH MY GOSH BOOM KING
“Now, remember what the doormouse said. Feed your head. Feed your heeead.â€
JEFFERSON AIRPLANE FTW
Linus out.â€
can you imagine Ben replacing Ryan Seacrest on American Idol? the snark would be delicious. and he could baton- beat Simon backstage or something. Get time-traveling bunnies to sing.
great work.
But where is Daniel!!! (sorry, I’ve become a fangirl of late)
OHFGosh that was a RIOT! I had to read that out loud and was laughing the whole time!
Brilliant!
Loved the Des talk…always!
Loved Han Sawyer and “I know” Dementor reference, I splorted on La Penis…
Funny thing referencing Fresh Prince, cuz I had just seen this on You Tube:
Willy Smith vs Desmond Hume
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=79OAyO3nnH0
*pets the orgasm-inducing Sawyer photo*
galjrojhtkjhytrpjhtjhpkiyphjtpjgg!!!!!!
DUDE
JEFFERSON AIRPLANE FTW
I MISSED YOU SO MUCH
PURE AMAZING
“…so, to conclude, no. It’s not possible for me to stick my head any further up my own ass. Amen.â€
THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUU
But dead in a Patchy way, not in a Boone way. If you know what I mean.
YES!
And Desmond’s like, “Riiiiight….we’ll leave the sexy taglines to me, alright?
But Ben, whose face looked like a combination butcher shop floor/Jackson Pollack painting,
TRUEST THING IVE EVER HEARD
i couldve killed jack right about then
[…] Lost Recap Season 4 Finale: There’s No Place Like Home The next day Kate’s like, “Uhhh…Jack? Your…insides….are on your…outsides…†… “..fair enough!†*hands over gun* *** And then… […]
Crap. NOW what am I going to do all summer?!?!? KNIT??? Sheesh…Now I must wait for a new season of LOST and your fantastic recaps again…*sigh*
The next day Kate’s like, “Uhhh…Jack? Your…insides….are on your…outsides…â€
Heh. :)
Thank you for this and all the others.
Rachael, YOu shold be gettung paid for this. U are too good not 2
Honestly, you are really writing some prime material here. You should be getting paid for this qual
I am in awe. Your recaps are wonderful! You made me snort and spray tea all over my keyboard. Thank you and please pass the Kleenex.
Man, your sensibility is just so utterly delicious – LOVE IT! Gotta admit, your TV loves match mine: Firefly, Arrested Development, Battlestar… and that makes me love you more. No Hops ons!
You = made of PWN!!!!! Wonderful.
Mo’ pls. :)
*SAWYERGASMS R TEH BEST
I love the Flight of the Conchords reference.
I love these. “It’s an illusion Michael” Seamless. Perfect. I love it. I always get the AD references, no matter how obscure and they make me soo happy. I was also driving my b/f crazy because I keep calling the pilot guy “La Penis”
Great minds and all that.
You are it. You are the boom king. I will re-read this every time I’m having a bad day. What they all said. OH!
Alot of that junk (like your jokes) I didn’t understand but overall it was pretty good and you made me laugh. Good job
Well done. This is simply terriffic!
so, as is the custom I say OMG YAY!!!!1
miss you at msr but found the path to here *bookmark*
OMG, that was so funny I cried.. thanks for lifting the doom and gloom that is a part of the show ( a show we all love)
DID I STUTTER?!
That’s the reference I liked best.
Boatload of fun, this recap. ;)
Nobody has mentioned the unbelievably apt NWA reference from the late 80’s. Perfect.
PRICELESS! Right down to Indy entering his say on the subject! Of course another famous Lucas line for the show might be, “I’ve got a bad feeling about this!”lol
I remember that book reference (go into that good night) from Back to School, Rodney Dangerfield, none better!
The least you could have done was added some Aerosmith to the thing, maybe some “Walk This Way” as Sawyer comes out of the water!