The week on Lost, Widmore tells some dead baby jokes, Locke follows his newly attained internal GPS, Desmond goes SMASH, and Ben goes for a visit in the Temple of Doom.
So first this dude rides in on a horse (The hippies are coming! The hippies are coming!) and we’re all wondering who this rapscallion is, with his earth-tone clothes and rakish neckerchief!
And Richard is like, “Charles is that you?? You’ve aged HORRIBLY!”
“Thank you, Ageless Wonder. Why don’t you go comb your eyelashes while I do the men’s work, hm?”
So Widmore goes into the tent that Baby Benry is ~*healing*~ in after drinking his memory-erasing Roofie Colada. We don’t know the details, but we do know that something Dementorish sucked out his soul or…something.
“Don’t make me go back there! They make us eat bean sprouts and do trust falls and heal our chakras with crystals, please NOOOO!”
“Unfortunately you’re going to have to be a double agent, kid. You’ll have to be a hippie by day and a Hostile by night. You’ll walk among them, but you won’t be one of them. But don’t worry, we’ve got lots of neckerchiefs and smug comebacks to go around. You’ll fit right in. Richard will provide you with your Latin 101 book before you go. Ego vobis valedico.”
***
Meanwhile in 2007, Ben wakes up to Locke’s smiling face! He was kind of shocked that Locke was all smiley and well-dressed and UNDEAD and all.
“WTF ZOMBIE!?”
“Good morning, sleepyhead! Up and at ’em! We’ve got lots to do today!”
Ben’s Brain: How are you…what in the…how did this…why aren’t you…I thought I…ALIVE?? HE IS ALIVE?? WTF!? NO SERIOUSLY W.T.F. OMG. OMGOMGOMG. HE’S GOING TO KILL ME. OMG. MOMMY. SAVE ME.
Ben’s Mouth: Well hello, John. Fancy meeting you here. I’d love to stay, but I must jet. It’s Business Time. Gotta meet my maker. Smokey waits for no man.
“I’m sorry, what? I didn’t quite catch that. I don’t speak Murderous Traitor.”
***
So Ben and Locke go out to the beach and Ben immediately starts doing this Master of Manipulation thang.
Caesar: Hello my friend, how are you feeling?
Ben: Oh I’m fine, I’m fine. Nothing a little Island magic won’t fix. Say, it’s good to see you’re wearing purple.
Caesar: How do you mean?
Ben: Well I’m a nice guy and I’M wearing purple and YOU’RE a nice guy and YOU’RE wearing purple. But see that guy over there?
Caesar: The one who said you killed him?
Ben: Yeah that guy. I didn’t see him on the plane. And I doubt he was “wearing purple” before he got here, if you catch my drift. I think he’s got the Crazies. The Heebie Jeebies. Insane in the Membrane. KnowwhatImean?
Caesar: So you’re saying he’s mentally ill and/or dangerous??
Ben: Nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more!
So Caesar’s all, “I’d better go tell that chick with all the guns and mysterious metal container about this.”
***
So it’s around 1989 and Ben is Hangin’ Tough with his amazingly bad New Kids on the Block/Hitler hair! He’s chilling out with Ethan “Children of the Corn” Rom, who at only 12 years old is already all like, “LET ME KILL THE LADY, BEN! I WANT TO TASTE THE BLOOD OF THE WICKED!”
But Ben’s like “NO NO IT’S MY TURN, WEINERHEAD!” and he goes into the tent to kill Danielle but then you hear a baby crying!! And Danielle starts freaking out and screaming something about being infected, so Ben does what any evil mastermind would do and steals her baby!!
I mean CHRIST no wonder Danielle was such a nutball, she had to kill all her friends, and then give birth to this kid BY HERSELF in the jungle and then some dude with a rakish scarf and absolutely horrendous hair takes her her kid? RIGHT OUTTA HER HANDS??
Straw, meet the camel’s back.
And as a last warning Ben is like, “Whenever you hear whispers, you run the other way!” but by then Danielle was running around her tent in circles screaming, her arms flailing over her head like a freaking Muppet. So she didn’t catch that last part!!
***
Ben is rummaging through his old desk to find the photo where him and Alex are both not looking at the camera for the coconut internet’s Facebook page…
When Locke is like, “I think we need to discuss…the elephant in the room.”
“Ugh, seriously? For the last time, I’m a HETEROSEXUAL. Who just happens to enjoy lavender shirts, adopting babies from foreign countries, and jaunty fedoras! Is that a crime??”
“No, that’s not a crime. Taking those tags off mattresses is a crime. Jaywalking is a crime. Stealing candy and/or babies is a crime. And murdering me? That’s the biggest crime of all.”
“You had to die and you had critical information. Once I had what I needed I didn’t have time to convince you to off yourself, so I used a shortcut. Ctrl+Alt+Noose.”
So despite the fact that Benry is a despicable human being, Locke thinks that resurrection has left him feeling a little Jesus-y. He tells Ben he’ll help him find the Smoke Monster!
***
They’re about to get on the boat to get to the main Island when Caesar and his posse roll up. Caesar’s all like, “Hey mister, I don’t believe you were wearing purple earlier like all of us. Or that you were on the plane. You’re not going anywhere, my friend.”
“I’m not your FRIEND, buddy!”
“I’m not your BUDDY, guy!”
“I’m not your GUY, pal!!”
And then Benry totally just blew Caesar away!!! And he’s all, “Beware the Ides of March, bitchez!!!”
So they get to the other Island and Locke is like, “I know why you want to be judged” and Ben’s like, “I broke the rules, I left The Island!”
Locke: No, it’s not that. It’s because you let Alex get killed.
Ben: You know it’s funny, I’ve killed LOADS of people and yet she’s the only one I feel kinda bad about. But only kinda.
Locke: That’s because there’s a cactus where your heart should be, Benjamin.
***
So then Ben and Malachi Ethan come back to Camp with bb Alex. Ben had a little debate with old Chuck Widmore on the finer points of infanticide.
Benry surprised us all by actually being Pro-Life! Charles, on the other hand, was decidedly Pro-Death on the matter.
“And plz stop laughing at my fuzzy powdered flashback wig.”
And the Richard was all, “Ben?? Is that you?? God, you’ve aged even worse than Widmore!!! Aren’t you supposed to be like 25!?”
“Thank you, Richard. You know we all can’t look like we’ve perpetually just stepped off the set of Mad Men.”
***
So Ben and Locke are off to see the Wizard, or the Smoke Monster as WE call it, and they see a light on in Ben’s house! It’s Sun! And she is completely freaked out!
“What happened? Where is everyone else?”
“They’ve been framed!”
“What do you mean framed, framed for what? A murder?”
“No, I LITERALLY mean they’ve been FRAMED!” and she shoves the photo of Kate, Jack, and Hurley into his hands!
Sun: Christian Shephard told us to wait inside this house and told us help was coming!
Ben: A christian shepherd, do you mean JESUS? Did you see JESUS?? HERE??
Sun: No there was a man named Christian Shephard! And he told us to wait here for John Locke but that ain’t happening because he’s dead!
So then Ben points toward the window “Speeeaking of Jesus…”
And then we all understood why Damon and Carlton chose this episode to air during Easter week!
So as wacky as it sounds, Sun admits that she’s been on this show long enough to know that Zombie!Locke might actually help her get to Jin somehow.
But La Penis has had it. No amount of taking bong hits in the Bahamas could have prepared him for this. “So the murderer and the dead guy are going to take you to the 70’s so you can find your husband??! And I’m a monkey’s uncle, right?? I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!!!”
So after La Penis asks to be let off the ride, it was time for Ben to summon monster! He crawled through this tunnel with a torch and he’s like, “Come out to the coast, we’ll get together, have a few laughs!”
He gets to the end of the tunnel and sticks his hand into some water, which is as crystal clear as this entire season of Lost.
So he pulls a lever or something and flushes The Island!!!
And somewhere in 1977, Jack’s like “OMG! OMG! COLD! COLD!!”
***
So Alex is a little girl now and her and Ben are doing their best impression of Benry Knows Best when Richard arrives to let him know it’s time to say goodbye.
Widmore: You should have killed that kid the night you found her.
Ben: You broke the rules, you sell out!! Living off The Island? Making your own babies and not kidnapping them??
Widmore: I didn’t sell out son, I bought in. Keep that in mind.
Ben: Well, I’d love to stay and chat, but you’re a total dick.
Widmore: Kiss your mother with that mouth? Oh wait, that’s right. She’s DEAD. Just like your kid should be.
So with that warm and fuzzy goodbye, Widmore was tossed out the proverbial Island airlock.
“Later, hater.”
***
So Sun’s wondering – did Ben know Locke would zombie-fy when he got to The Island?
And he tells her he had no idea because that has never happened before!
Ben: What’s dead is dead.
Us: lol episode title
He seemed to be conveniently forgetting a certain asshole father of one of the Losties! And no, I don’t mean Kate’s dad! Or Locke’s dad! Or Sun’s dad! Or Sawyer’s dad! Or Hurley’s dad!
Christian sure as hell seems like HE came back to life, amiright?
***
“Hey Chaz, just so ya know, to punish you for being a cruel bastard and murdering my innocent daughter for no reason, I’m going to go ahead and murder your innocent daughter for no reason.”
“But that would make me feel kinda bad! But only kinda!”
“Nothing in the ‘verse can stop me. Except maybe a pissed off Scotsman. Or a sale at Barney’s. Ta!”
***
So after Locke and Ben decided the Smokey Express wouldn’t be making any stops in Dharmaville, they decided to go straight to the belly of the beast. The only problem? Locke was just following his instinct in order to find it, and Ben was not having it.
Ben: Are we there yet?
Locke: No.
Ben: Are we there yet?
Locke: No.
Ben: Are we there y…
Locke: Don’t make me turn this mission around, young man!
“You’re not the boss of me!”
“Right, right – we’ll see what Smokey has to say about that.”
So they finally get to the temple, but they’re not taking the beaten path. After all, one does not simply walk into Mordor – they have to go UNDER it.
“Ewww is that a French guy’s arm down there?”
***
Back at the marina, Benry shows up with guns blazing! And this time he doesn’t have a creepy little kid trying to horn in on his Killin’ Time.
Right away he shoots Desmond, who goes “OCH BROTHAH”-ING through the air!!
So Penny runs out and Ben is telling her that her father is a despicable man that killed his daughter, so he’s going to kill her father’s daughter, which is unfortunately her, sry2say!!
But then Baby Chah-lee comes out of the boat and is ridiculously adorable, but even his cuteness is not enough to divert Benry’s bullets!
“Move out of the way, kid! Or else you’re going to have Penny’s brain in your ears…and in your eyes…”
But right then Desmond, The Scottish Scrapper, comes hurtling into the shot and goes NUTS and just pulverizes Benry’s face until it resembles something not unlike rhubarb pie.
And just as an affectionate afterthought, he tosses him into the water, giving us a fantastically creepy shot of Ben while reminding us that it’s just not Wednesday unless Henry Gale is in need of a blood transfusion!!
***
Meanwhile, back on the other beach…
“That chick with the weird accent has a gun! Also, I’m kind of cute, but don’t get attached.” *points at color of shirt*
“Sweet Jemima Crankshaft, what the hell is going on over here? I leave for a few hours and it’s like flipping Lord of the Flies all the sudden?”
And AnNOT-Lucia is all “What lies in the shadow of the statue?” and we’re all like, “Exsqueeze me, wot??” And she’s all like, “Tell them it’s time, tie him up, he’s coming with us” and we’re like, “Again, WOT!?”
And poor Frank is all, “Fuckin’ A, man!”
***
“I just wanted to say thank you for helping me. You’re right, I need to be judged for letting Alex die. I don’t know what I would have done without you, John. Thank y…”
“Hey, Dr. Jones, no time for love. We’ve got company.”
So Benry falls into the Temple of Doom!! And there are WingDings all over the walls!
And then it finally appeared!! ALL RISE, THE HONORABLE JUDGE SMOKE MONSTER IS PRESIDING!!!!!!!!!
And then we got a nice little recap of all the flashbacks from this episode and not one second that we’ve never seen! How convenient!
We even had to watch Alex getting killed again, which was really sad ;_; We loved Alex! Alex was a punk rocker! She was a punk punk, a punk rocker! The poor kid didn’t need to die, ya know??
Even Ben got all farklempt! Which was crazy considering:
Ben:Not Crying :: Jack:Crying!
So then the Smoke Monster sinks back down into the bowels of The Island and out of nowhere ALEX IS THERE!!!! And Ben’s like, “OMG THIS IS SO WEIRD I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU!!! CRAZY!!!!”
Alex reminds Ben that it’s ALL HIS FAULT that she’s dead, and that she knows he’s already planning to kill Locke YET AGAIN! O_O
And so she slams him against the wall like the freakin’ FONZ and she’s like “YOU LISTEN TO EVERY GODDAMN THING JOHN LOCKE SAYS FROM NOW ON OR ELSE I WILL END YOU!!! If he wants to go to the temple, you go to the temple! If he wants to go to the beach, you go to the beach! I don’t care if he just wants to play Mousetrap and eat mangoes, YOU’RE DOING IT!!!”
And then just as quickly as she appeared, she was gone!
So then Locke comes back to fish Ben out of the hole and he’s all “OMG WHA HAPPENED!??!?”
And with tears in his eyes, Ben’s like, “It likes me! It reallly likes me! I’d like to thank so many people right now. First, thank you Jacob for your eternal grace, thanks to my dad for molding me into a super villain at such an early age, thanks to Dick Alpert and Chuck Widmore for teaching me how to be a snazzy dresser, thanks to Horace Goodspeed for helping me harness my Chi, thanks to John Locke’s manboobs for their lack of support, and most of all, thanks to Damon and Carlton for making this THE BEST DAMN SHOW ON TELEVISION!!”
*end of speech music*
Love Ben? You may also like: Lost Recap 4×9: The Shape of Things to Come
You can find all my Lost Recaps HERE.
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at the end of the season you should have a single recap called “lol episode title” for every scene where a character says the episode title.
:D
Delurking to say, “best recap evah.” Every single bit was perfect. Thanks.
“That chick with the weird accent has a gun! Also, I’m kind of cute, but don’t get attached.†*points at color of shirt*
I have to say 1 thing….. BEN 4EVAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
love it – my fave was the red shirt thing, too… well done! I look forward to this every week….
“Ugh, seriously? For the last time, I’m a HETEROSEXUAL. Who just happens to enjoy lavender shirts, adopting babies from foreign countries, and jaunty fedoras! Is that a crime??â€
LOL. Your recaps are insane with hilarious-ness. I love them so much.
i’m glad the pro-choice/anti-choice thing has already been brought up.
♥
“I didn’t sell out son, I bought in. Keep that in mind.” LOVE the SLC Punk reference. So hilarious.
And the Ramones reference to “Sheena …”. Stellar recap as usual!
You’ll walk among them, but you won’t be one of them. HA -tatoo ep. ref.!! I love Lost referencing Lost! you are the Jughead!!!!
love the ending speech too, thanks for another great one, Ack
p.s. I’ll wait any number of days for your recaps, I’m thankful that you tirelessly entertain all of us Losties, Namaste & live your life
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ben’s ending speech. had me literally rofling.
“It likes me! It reallly likes me! I’d like to thank so many people right now. First, thank you Jacob for your eternal grace, thanks to my dad for molding me into a super villain at such an early age, thanks to Dick Alpert and Chuck Widmore for teaching me how to be a snazzy dresser, thanks to Horace Goodspeed for helping me harness my Chi, thanks to John Locke’s manboobs for their lack of support, and most of all, thanks to Damon and Carlton for making this THE BEST DAMN SHOW ON TELEVISION!!â€
I have quoted this. This is what made this recap one of my favorites EVER. lol.
and somewhere in 1977 jack’s all OMG COLD COLD! ha, i bet he shed some jears over that.